Evening Entertainment and Fun!
Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
Evening Entertainment and Fun!
| Blogs > New2Midlo > Fun with a normal white guy... |
Why Dating In Your 40's, Well...Sucks
|
Why Dating In Your 40's, Well...Sucks Finding the right person in your forties sucks. There, I said it and if you’re single and in your forties, you already know it to be true. But, being a student of human nature and a guy who likes to analyze things to death, I’ve done my best to get to some of the underlying issues of why it sucks. Admittedly, my viewpoint will be colored by my sex (yep, I’m a guy), but I’m confident much of my babbling will be relateable to the fairer sex as well. Also, in order to properly convey the points I need to make, I will be referring to descriptors that might be mistaken for value statements (i.e. economic status). However, they aren’t, so leave your prejudices at the door. For those with a short attention span, dating in your forties sucks because we’re more restrictive, in terms of attributes we find acceptable in a potential partner, and the dating pool sucks. As most of us single folks utilize the internet for meeting new potential partners, I’ll use this as a context for my article. This is where we’ll begin. On a good day, internet dating can be an amazing tool to meet other singles in your area. It can also represent a never ending shit show that can leave you feeling frustrated and unwanted. On the positive side, internet dating brings together potentially compatible singles who wouldn’t likely meet otherwise. Just plug in your criteria and go from there; you can narrow down your potential matches by almost any criteria you can imagine. In my case, I searched for women who are Asian, taller than 6’, with red hair, possess a Master’s degree, and speak Flemish. On the negative side, if you’re not of stout self-image, it’ll (further) erode your self-esteem like a typhoon on a tropical beach. You will send very nice notes to members of the opposite sex (or same sex) and receive no response. Or they’ll engage, then disappear; this can be after one email, one date, or one sexual encounter. In other words, rejection becomes a daily routine. Why do people not respond or disappear? First, there could be a legitimate reason, such as you don’t meet their criteria. Experience has taught me that women who are separated, regardless of circumstances, are almost guaranteed to have latent emotional issues to contend with, from their failed marriage. Aside from logic, whether it be March, Plenty of Fascists, OKFC, or any of the other myriad of dating sites, you’ve got to make an impression that’s compelling very quickly. Regardless of sex, you’re immediately judged by whether the viewer finds you attractive via your photos. We know men are visually stimulated, but it surprised me to learn that women based much of their initial interest on a quick look at a guy’s pictures. And if you’re not an Adonis or Christy Turlington, making that impression becomes more of a challenge. Users have a ‘cafeteria’ with oh so many choices to choose from, all of whom are single (the ones who aren’t lying) and want to meet someone. If they’re all single, I should be able to have whichever I want, right? After all, with all these amazingly hot chicks/guys, I should be able to have one. Yep, unrealistic expectations abound, on the net. I’ll pick on the fairer sex because, being straight and all, I only have experience with women’s profiles. I’ve read more than one profile of a rather unattractive, borderline obese woman, with three , specify that she’s only attracted to tall, handsome, fit men. That’s great, because no other women want that. Listen, just because this bunch of guys, with rock hard abs and a killer smile, are on the same dating site as you doesn’t make you any closer to their league. If you’re halfway attractive and can put two sentences together, there will be quite a number of parties interested in meeting you. This can be exciting and a great ego boost, but it’s oh so easy to get caught up in an ‘all you can eat’ mentality. There are all these people who want me, I must meet them all so I can choose the absolute best one for me! I’ve chatted with women who’ve admitted, yes, I have dates on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday, but I’d still like to meet you. Yeah, I’ll pass. Pick one or two and leave the others for another day. You can narrow those five guys down, can’t you? So, now that I’ve got my list of tall, Asian, redheads, I must go about narrowing it down to the women, with whom I believe I’m most compatible. Except it isn’t quite so simple. The great thing about finding a partner when you’re younger (and making it work) is that you could be quite different from one another and still succeed as a couple. Most of your lives are in front of you and you grow together. This changes dramatically, as we age. By now, you’ve grown into a person who knows (or damned well should) who they are, what they stand for, and they fit in the world. You have a job that likely defines you more than you’d care to admit. Short of winning the lottery, you’ve pretty much settled into the socioeconomic group in which you’ll spend the remainder of your life. Again, that defines you more than we’d like to admit. You’ve either continued to expand your mind or decided there’s no need. You have or you don’t. Perhaps you still want . You eat what you eat. Your views on politics and religion are pretty solid. Your personal habits have been set and you’ll be damned if someone won’t let you watch TV in bed. For better or for worse, you’re about finished with any radical changes to all of these aspects of your life. As our lives have become more focused, so does our criteria for a partner. In most cases, this is a good thing. Shared experiences are pretty important when determining whether we might be compatible with someone. Just to throw out a few random items from my own personal journey. Twenty years ago, I’d never been out of the country so finding someone who had experienced (or wanted to experience) the world outside the US held zero importance. Now, having traveled the world several times over for both business and pleasure, I can’t imagine being with someone whose interest stopped at the border. Would we take separate vacations? I enjoy cooking and eating ‘gourmet’ meals. Would it make sense to try to date a woman who thought Ruby Tuesday was fine dining? These are examples of how my dating criteria have become more focused and yes, more restrictive, as the result of personal experience. At what point does even healthy narrowing of criteria become too restrictive? I would offer that most of us don’t know what we really need to be happy, otherwise, we’d be happily involved with a fantastic partner. How many of us are searching for our ideal, instead of someone who’ll be an amazing friend and lover? Are we unwilling to settle for what we need in order to get what we want? Does what we want really exist? Again, the internet can be awesome, because you can learn a great deal about a person from their profile. But how much knowledge is too much and are we doing the wrong things with it? For the sake of brevity, I’ll recall a recent stroll through the land of dating profiles. One of the tall, redheaded Asian women listed her favorite movies, as suggested by the dating site. They were mostly what I consider to be dumb comedies (Will Farrell), and I caught myself thinking nope, she won’t work because she has crap taste in movies. Then, I thought you’re going to discount what appears to be an attractive, well adjusted, and intelligent woman solely because of her taste in movies? That’s beyond stupid! But this is a risk we take that can do more harm than good. Speaking of harm, we can sometimes allow our previous experiences to impact our criteria in a less than healthy manner. For example, I dated a woman who had this litany of inconsequential and random traits that a prospective partner must not possess. As we talked, it became clear that the criteria represented a list of little things she didn’t like about her ex-husband. She allowed her baggage to impact her in a less than healthy manner. It’s like saying my ex liked to golf and he cheated on me, so if you golf, that means I can never trust you. Now that I’ve narrowed down the field and have a list of tall, redheaded Asian women, who speak Flemish AND enjoy the same movies as me, I reach the final, and most difficult challenge of dating. Which ones are actually able to have a relationship? I used to bemoan that I seemed to attract all the ‘crazies’, until I realized that 80% of the singles population were broken, in some manner or another. Listen, by the time you’re in your mid-forties, you’ve been beaten around emotionally. Your marriage has failed, your spouse left you, abused you, cheated, and so on. There could be longstanding issues that had their genesis in childhood when a parent died, was absent, or worse. All of these things add up and can manifest themselves in various ways. Abandonment issues and fear of intimacy are the two most frequent traits I’ve found in women my age. The common thread seems to be diminished (or destroyed) self-esteem. Depending on the severity, these can be absolute nightmares, for both parties, in trying to establish a healthy relationship. Those who suffer from these conditions tend to feel unworthy of being loved, and live in fear that their potential partner will discover just how undeserving they are. In the case of abandonment issues, the will often behave in a manner that will ensure the departure of their new love interest, making He’ll leave me a self-fulfilling prophecy. This has happened to me a few times. In general, they either avoid being vulnerable (and subsequently being hurt again) or jump into relationships incredibly quickly, in the hopes the other party will feel the same emotional bond. Even once in a relationship, their self-worth doesn’t improve. Therefore, they may be very jealous of their partner and repeatedly accuse them of cheating. Even with sound logic and effective visual aids, you will not successfully be able to reason with these people. Almost every woman I’ve dated in the past year has suffered from abandonment or intimacy issues, mostly as a result of self-esteem that’s taken a beating at the hands of their former spouses. It’s a horrible shame; I’ve seen smart, desirable, kind women who think they’re worth nothing to a partner. On the flip side, they’re rock stars in their careers. In one case, she agreed to an exclusive relationship but accepted that I’d sleep with other women. I imagine men suffer just as much as women. I’ll admit to dealing with fear of intimacy in the past, myself. These are genuine life traumas we need to face and deal with but most of us lack the self-awareness to realize our feelings, and resulting behavior, aren’t normal or healthy. The bottom line is that we won’t fix these issues on our own and they won’t just go away. If you suspect you may be suffering through one of these conditions, please get help. If not for yourself, but for those who you’ll continue to hurt, if you don’t. Oh, and the mental health challenges can be so much worse. I was married to a woman with borderline personality disorder, whose constant emotional abuse caused my fear of intimacy. I’ve dated a bi polar and a closet alcoholic as well. Then, you’ve got your sociopaths, narcissists, and the list goes on. When I was young and naïve, if questioned, I would have been sure anyone that out of touch would have been diagnosed or at least recognize it in their own behavior. Nope, they’re walking among us, folks, and want to be our dates. Some blunt words of advice to those who are separated: Don’t try to find a relationship until you’re divorced. If you haven’t finished the divorce process, you’ve not completely dealt with all of the shit I mentioned above. I’ve not met one separated woman who’s even begun to address the trauma from her marriage. I know you want to prove you’re a good partner, worthy of being loved, but all you’ll prove is you’re a mess. I’ll spare my readers the gory details, but suffice to say I’ve been proven correct every time I’ve dated someone not divorced. Just don’t do it; if not for yourself, but for the people who you’ll cause pain when you flake out (and you will flake). In short, we forty something singles are a mass of emotionally wounded people, many of whom shouldn’t even attempt a relationship in our current emotional state. If you weren’t disheartened before, I’m quite certain you are now, after reading the facts. Rather than leaving you wanting to jump off a cliff, I’ll end with a bit of humor. As I’ve done the whole dating thing, I’ve discovered certain recurring themes within women’s profiles; there are certain demographics that appear somewhat regularly, in my dating pool. I’m sure the ladies see similar buckets for guys but I obviously wouldn’t know much about that. So feel free to share your own. Anyway, my favorite categories are: Crazy Cat Lady in Training – She has as many photos of her cats on her dating profile as she does of herself and they are referred to as her babies (because she usually doesn’t have ). Her cats (or dogs) are shown dressed for Halloween and various other holidays. Yes, these women exist even in their early forties! The Max Density Lifer – These women are type A, typically with no , who have developed interests and hobbies to fill the time and emotional void of being single and childless. These hobbies have become obsessions and occupy a great deal of these people’s time. Some are super athletes who run, mountain bike, road bike, or compete in (and train incessantly for) triathlons, etc. Other time filling interests include horses, boating, and volunteering. Don’t get me wrong; being in excellent health and engaging in activities that benefit the community can be great things. But many of these people are undateable. First, they really don’t have time to date because they’re training for this or that. Plus, they tend to severely limit their dating pool, particularly in the case of the super athletes. Because their obsession has become an integral part of their lives, dating someone who doesn’t share that enthusiasm is destined to fail. Out of Work Trophy Wives – This group is my favorite. These women are usually quite striking, even if their looks have faded a bit with age. While I don’t take pleasure in anyone’s pain, it’s clear they’ve been traded in on a younger model and are a bit lost. Their jobs, if they have one outside the house, tend to be of the dabbling type, yet they manage lavish vacations in Paris or Aspen, if they post photos from this decade. So little doubt the lion’s share of their income stems from the great alimony package they’ve received from their rich ex-husband. Unless you’re wealthy and don’t want a younger model, it’s best to steer clear of these women. Without the rich husband and lavish lifestyle that came to define them, these women don’t really know who they are. Most still long for that lavish lifestyle, so they’re seeking another wealthy partner (or they’re on seeking arrangements, looking for a sugar daddy). They often suffer from low self-esteem, due to emotional neglect from their prior spouse (while he was amassing his fortune). Regardless, they’re a gorgeous train wreck to avoid. The Trump Supporter – Nothing more to be said on this one. The Asexual – This woman hasn’t had a sex drive since the 80’s, when her hormones were running amok. Since then, she’s developed an unhealthy aversion toward intimacy. She’s invariably uninteresting and not playful. Okay, maybe that was humorous if you didn’t fall into one of those categories, but such is life. Happy Dating, Friends! |
||||
|
An epic tome on why dating sucks so badly.
| |||
|
Holy Shit. One of the things you left out was a woman with an healthy vocabulary. You hit some thing spot on ( and I am not from the UK). It is not just dating etc in the 40's age bracket. wait til you catch up with the rest of us. An extremely well written post and THANK YOU (Virtual Symposium Group) use Virtual Symposium Group
| |||
|
I had to go back and read some of your prior posts. Think I have to devote an entire evening this week to read them all. In the meantime please go enjoy my hidden humor about PIE (Virtual Symposium Group) use Virtual Symposium Group
| |||
|
Try being a single divorced parent with a sex drive... Finding time to date is hard but finding enough time to have sex is harder... Lol Its only a dream away ..... Come and say hello
| |||
|
I figure if I photo shop Channing tatums face to Chris hemsworths body and scribble in 18 inches of pain between my legs I might be able to get a response on IM ....>..I will digress and say that it is a great insight being married 3 times now and going out the door on the third one...I think I will just spend my good fortune on hookers from now on seeing that its legal in this country 
| |||
|
I laughed as I recognized some of my friends in this post. And I thought it was hard being 50 and suddenly finding myself single. Nice to see the male perspective. Write on, right on, kk The observant make the best lovers, I may not do right, but I do write, I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life, Kitkat Come check out my blog KItkat1415 check out this post by me Adventures In Body Grooming #39 April Topic Link: What Lies Beneath If April Showers Oh Bloody Hell What Kind Of Weather Turns Me On Bloggers Symposium 40
| |||
1 post 8/4/2019 8:50 pm |
Ouch. This cuts a little too close in places. I am now inspired to do and be better. I also feel just a little less hope than I did before. Good to see an intelligent perspective from a man's point of view.
|
Become a member to create a blog
